A bad day

I'm not in a very good mindspace right now.

Things did not go well, today, I'm not happy at all with how my Salad bar turned out. I only had 4 items on the bar, I didn't have a solid protein which was bad, because we were serving a vegetarian menu tonight. I ran out of just about everything and was in the weeds all night long.

I'm really disappointed in myself and in my performance tonight. Things are really difficult working lodgekeeper. We don't have a solid plan when we come in, we have to look around at what is available, and try to be creative and spontaneous.

I did have a couple good items. I made a salad with sugar peas, pea sprouts, and lettuce, dressed with a white wine tarragon vinaigrette. I also made a neat salad last night, that turned out really well. I roasted some mushrooms in a dressing made from garlic, paprika, and olive oil. Then tossed them with some quinoa, and then mixed that with some raw tat soy, and dressed it with an asian dressing made from rice wine vinegar, tamari, sesame oil, and canola oil. It was pretty popular. I also made a quiche tonight, with spinach and feta. I made 10 of them, and they didn't even last 45 minutes.

I really feel like I've lost something. Before I went to school, I got in the kitchen, and I played and experimented. I also knew how to make lots of different things. These days it seems different. It seems like I lost some of my creativity somewhere. The CIA got me used to always having a recipe and a solid game plan for everything. I'm not very confident now on developing something on my own. That is bothering me alot. I don't know what happened. Right now, I'm kinda wishing I had gone somewhere, where I would be working from a solid menu, and a solid prepped game plan.

I think part of it may be the idea that I've already been here 4 weeks, and by now I'd be starting a new class at school, so Ive got this thing inside of me that says I should be doing a kickass job by now, not still trying to get into the groove, and get used to things.

There's alot I really like about here, but right now I'm really depressed.

I miss my friends, I wish I could talk to some of them. I'm still feeling kind of lonely, it's a very weird feeling, and I can't quite explain it. I've made lots of friends, and people are open here, if they didn't like me, I know they would tell me. I went to Julia's hut last night. She has a really nice little hut down by the farm. We celebrated Cybil's 30th birthday. There wasn't alot of people, but it was close, we all danced, and had a really great time.

She propositioned me today too. :p She said she had chocolate cake, and would give me chocolate cake in exchange for coming down to the farm and doing some naked planting.

People are also very affectionate and understanding. I'm surrounded by hugs, and caring and interest on a daily basis, yet I feel lonely, I can't quite figure out why... Do I still feel like an outsider here? I don't think so... for the first time in a very long time, I feel I've found somewhere that I really belong, where I really fit in... So I don't understand it all... maybe it's just tonight... maybe it's just the negativity that is coursing throughout my mind right now...

I baked on saturday. Allison was training me, it was alot of fun. We went through over 100 pounds of flour, made over 200 pounds of bread. 101 loaves in total, in 7 different varieties. We also made 5 sheetpans of brownies, and 1 sheetpan of fudge.

Next month, things kick into high gear... I'll be chefing 3 days a week, ducking one, and in the garden one. I think I'm a little intimidated about that as well. They seem to have alot of confidence in me, and alot of expectations. Mom always said people rise to the level of expectation, and I feel a desire within myself to rise to meet that. I'm scared though, it's alot of responsibility, and I'll be in the kitchen by myself.

Can I really do this? Everyone I've talked to seems to think so... everyone but myself I guess... why do I suddenly find myself lacking confidence?

I'm going through alot here, alot of changes... personal changes.. facing alot of things that I never would have faced before. Things like that... being aware and conscious of mey feelings, and of my body, and what's happening. How I'm feeling, and how it's impacting me. Learning to be open, honest, straight-forward. Mood swings are getting larger. I've been on an ecstatic high for the past couple days, till it came crashing down tonight.

I made my workshop, I'm in the metalworking workshop next week. I'll be working with Helmut Hellenkamp a master metalworker. It'll be Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 8pm to 10pm. And then an intensive all day saturday, when we actually get to produce something ourselves. I don't really have any ideas what I'll make yet, something out of iron I'm pretty sure... functional.. decorative.. who knows.. we'll see what kind of inspiration I get while I'm there.

I keep getting sunburned.. I'll head down to the baths for a short soak, and end up talking to people, and the next thing I know, I've been sitting in the sun for an hour and a half, and get out sunburned.

I sat on the deck today zippering peas for my salad. Dianne and Taka were working with me, it was funny, I was noticing how the ends of the peas, look like little fairy hats. And the fairies should be wearing little nasturtium skirts Dianne said. It is a very relaxing place... I wish I could get over this anxiety and this fear... let it be there.. and do what it needs to, but not let it bring me down. Right now it's bringing me down.

Max left today for the weekend, he's heading to Tassajara for a weekend of Zen Buddhist practice. It's his first experience with Zen Buddhism, I'll be anxious to hear how it was, and how it went.

I'm working on my menu for tomorrow, a morrocan spiced chicken dish. I'm not quite sure where to go with that, but I'm pulling some recipes together, and we'll see what I can develop. I'm thinking maybe chicken with cinnamon roasted onions... or perhaps just a simple morrocan chicken. I'm also looking at a recipe that uses basmati rice, and yogurt.

I'm feeling a little better now that I've written out alot of what has been churning through my mind... I think I'll be better once I have a solid plan for tomorrow.

I also did something on sunday that did help me to feel even more ecstatic. I bought new clothes. Jeremy an ES in cabins, had a friend come down who's a deigner in San Francisco, he brought clothes and sold them in a lawn sale. It was a blast we all had fun trying on clothes. I'm sure it would have been a hilarious sight. Racks of clothes in the yard, and lots of people shuffling through them, getting naked trying them on. I bought 3 shirts, and a pair of jeans. Nothing like anything I've ever worn before. Pretty crazy designs, and the jeans are really neat. Low cut, tight in the legs, but they bell out at the feet, like bellbottoms. It's pretty neat, and I'm excited about the weekend, and being able to wear them!